Wobbles

Wobbles.  We all have them, right?  I guess the difference being is what we stumble over. For some of us, it might be finances, some it may be their job, relationships, strained friendships, you name it - I'm more than sure we've all caught ourselves slipping for one reason or another. In my instance, and the topic of this blog will be about my most recent wobble - my physical appearance and self-worth. 

It's probably incredibly cliche, but that's my niggle at the moment. I don't want to create a space of negativity on my channel here but what I did and will continue to promise is transparency and honesty. The past few weeks have been my self worth wobble and I wanted to talk about it.  I'm making myself vulnerable here - but, I was recently introduced to a VERY insightful documentary called 'The Call to Courage' and it's all about welcoming vulnerability and accepting that this is your way to introducing and embracing bravery and courage. (Hope you're proud Brene, well, and you Ashden).  So the past month or so, I've been having a really rough ride with my physical appearance, which inevitably has meant that my self-worth has taken a hit. It's been quite a hot topic recently, both in my mind but also with comments from others. Whether it's a comment about my size, my weight, or my inability to see my own worth - an accumulation of these things has made it extremely relevant and at the forefront of my mind.  A month or so ago - I didn't feel this way. And it's the reminder of that which helps me know that this is just a wobble. It's temporary, and reminding myself of that helps me to pick myself up that bit faster. A month or so ago, I was probably absolutely no different to the way I am now physically, I just wasn't focused on it mentally. I wasn't my slimmest, I wasn't my 'best' but I was content. I didn't spend every second scrutinising the way I am and longing with myself to make a change and be different, be better, be more worthy.  Worthy of what though? I think at the moment I'm looking to be accepted by others. Others who I feel have a focus on my weight, the fact I used to be different and can therefore be better. Does that make sense? Self-love has never come naturally to me and has always been something I've had to 'practice'... but it's definitely been a hard task in recent weeks. 

Whether it's an innocent comment, observation or even actions - it takes its toll and has an impact on how I view myself. 

But, while I've laid bare the triggers for my most recent wobble - the impact this has. What I'm most excited to outline is the way in which I move through this.  The way I see it,  I'm thrown onto a tightrope labelled 'Self worth' with a podium at the end labelled 'Self Love'. I know my end goal. I can see it and it's (with practice) within my reach. Of course, balancing on a tight rope will welcome multiple wobbles, but the only direction we can move without falling, is forward. And by moving forward there's only one destination we can reach - self love.  What I've also come to discover is that, there are some things that will act as 'wind' while I'm walking this tight rope, and some things that act as my balance bar. Negativity, comparison and thoughtlessness come by as a gust of wind with every intention of knocking me down, while surrounding myself with positive people and focusing on my positive features enable me to walk with a balance bar, much steadier on my feet. 

For those of you who are part of my little blog family, you'll have read my previous blog about the journey I had with my Mental Health. I mention this not for sympathy or pity, but because it helps to give substance to the fact that when you've hit rock bottom, wobbles can be daunting. Wobbles can feel as though you're on your way back there even though a wobble is barely scratching the surface. Prompted by the initial feeling of anxiety and/or sadness, it becomes very easy to give a wobble the same credit you gave to completely falling apart. 

However, the beauty of 'wobbling' is that, you never actually fall. 

So the way in which I carry on walking my tight rope, continuously edging closer to that desti of self love and appreciation, is by recognising that despite my thoughts and want of acceptance of others, I actually, more than anything, want acceptance of myself. A couple of months ago, I was comfortable with the person I was. I could identify what made me a good person and I was able to keep sight of that even on a rough day. At the moment, I've felt a mixture of not good enough, I've had complexes about my looks and my size and just generally not worth an awful lot. Metaphorically speaking it's been windy old walk on this rope. But, remembering that a wobble means I'm not falling, the wind seems to be settling and I'm able to take a breath, regain my focus and commit to where I'm headed, with the balance bar of self acceptance and steering clear of triggers, I'm able to feel way more steady on my feet.

So to anyone else who may be experiencing a 'wobble'. Find what builds your balance bar, keep a tight grip and keep on pushing forward. It's okay to stumble - that doesn't take the end goal away from us for good. Thanks for joining me tonight you lovely lot. It's a bit raw this one and it's very honest. But hey - what else are these blogs for? As we move into another Lockdown, please always remember I created this platform to create community and a safe place. Wobbles may just become a more frequent feeling for some but please know that you are never alone, I can say that with confidence knowing my inbox is ALWAYS open, to anyone. Ciao for now angels, See you on the flipside x