Running on Empty

Angels, 

We're back! Apologies for my absence lately. I've had the worst writers block; I've desperately wanted to create content and believe me when I say there's been plenty to share. But, having said this - I promised authenticity in my blogs and writing and I refuse to force it. If it's not there, it's not there. Thank you to you precious people for hanging around and for those of you who have clocked on to read this piece. It feels so good to be back, may this inspiration and these creative juices stick around! Let's dive in, shall we? 

I've noticed there are two types of people in the world, the people who see the urgency in finding the nearest petrol station the minute they hit 1/4 of a tank, and there's the people who create somewhat of a game in seeing how long the car will move even though the petrol warning light has developed a rather aggressive flashing routine.  Stay with me. I know you're probably wondering why on earth I'd be talking about petrol at this point, but...

Those of us that drive, tell me I'm not alone in being encouraged never to run your car on reserve petrol, right? We've all heard the horror stories. 'It'll ruin your car, it won't run properly, it'll cause lasting damage - just because your car is moving doesn't mean it's not breaking' 

Now let's apply the same notion to ourselves... 

What happens when we run on our reserve? We don't function properly, we set ourselves up for some sort of mental, emotional and even physical damage, all that is entirely hidden from an onlooker's eye.  Now, more-so than ever, I've felt the effects of running on empty. The past 6 months have been more exhausting than I have words for. Which I'm certain has been the case for many others. The revelation of a global pandemic that we all once believed would be a 3-week lockdown hit people harder than any of us knew it would or could. For many, we've seen loss of jobs, temporary unemployment (furlough) and mass financial worry, people and families worried as to how to stay afloat, small businesses crippled with the unfair disadvantage of having 'just started out'. We've also seen people who, like myself, have been fortunate to stay in employment but have adjusted to the world of permanently working from home and every colleague I once knew very quickly becoming 2D with social interaction non-existent.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful every day to have a job in the current climate. I'm aware just how fortunate I am in that, despite my specific job role being near on impossible to carry out (I organise community events for charity - so you can imagine the impact this has had) I've been able to work. A partial secondment and a lot of trial and error has meant I've been working towards making my role a virtual one.  Personally, I don't like blurred lines, I'm my best self with clarity and certainty. Both of which I would argue the past 6 months has seen next to none of. A secondment in my job role meant that I've to some degree mastered the fine art of 'winging it' just as I'm sure many have. Going back to my dislike of blurred lines made the whole working from home experience a difficult one for me. My safe space soon became my everything space. The stresses of work were able to fester in my own home, the place I was previously able to escape and switch off. Not only that, I probably had too much time to sit and think about my personal stresses too.. Sometimes going full 360 in a vicious cycle of overthinking, as opposed to a 180 flip to reach a rational conclusion.  Life is a far cry from what we knew back in February. And I don't know about you but I feel like we've had no time to recuperate from everything that has happened and is still happening, you know? I felt like ever since the start of this pandemic, my ability to retain information had decreased dramatically - I used to pride myself on my memory and I was known for 'remembering everything' (which for some people was a right pain when they'd made a statement 4 years ago that I hadn't forgotten) But recently, not a chance! I could barely remember an hour ago. And I think this comes as a consequence of burning myself out.  And this is what leads me to the nature of this blog, this is what gives substance to my rather peculiar car reference.  Running on Empty  I knew that I was running on fumes. It's been such a long time since I felt refreshed. I've said to my loved ones that I cannot wait for a break. Ironic I know that I felt my most hectic in a time whereby the rest of the world came to a complete standstill.  But, it's something I wanted to talk about. I know too many people who feel the same and actually, lets club together. You guys will probably, I hope, have some understanding as to my nature by now - and I would hope you'd know just how much I love to create safe and happy spaces for people. This blog being one of them. For those of you who are also running on fumes, feeling like actually that 8 hour sleep you had, or that chilled Sunday afternoon still wasn't quite enough to get you back on track? You're not alone. Promise.  As a reaction to the pandemic, we've seen a huge shift in the focus and importance of raising awareness for mental health, which I think is a great thing. In amongst this shift we've piloted and championed so many messages about ensuring that we check in on our family and friends during a time of social isolation and distance from those we hold closest to us. (In this climate, metaphorically speaking) We've learnt the importance of interaction and the huge impact this has on our overall wellbeing. I proudly believe in the importance of this and have always been someone who thrives off of knowing those around me are feeling well.  However, while it's crucial that we're the crutch for others, we must also give ourselves that same time, that same love and the same nurture.  For such a long time I would see no wrong in giving every last piece of myself to someone else if I thought it would make them feel okay. As I've grown up, and probably more recently, during times I've felt entirely deflated and 'running on my reserve' I realised the importance of ensuring that my tank was full first. It took me such a long time to accept that this wasn't selfish and was actually in the best interest of not just myself, but those around me too. I realised that it was absolutely no good giving every last bit of myself to someone else - when actually all I had left to give was the crappy bits. You know?  Like I said earlier, running your car on the scrimps of rubbish petrol will burn it out - why would we firstly allow ourselves to function that way, and secondly, why would that be what we offer to help someone else function better too?  We wouldn't.  My point is, take your time. If it's an extra day of doing nothing, if it's cancelling a plan to give yourself a breather, if it's swapping a meal out for exercise, if it's replacing binge watching tv with reading a book, if it's not answering the Whatsapp message you've left unread for a day because right now it's too overwhelming - find YOUR thing. Find your pump. Find your source of self-love juice and let that tank overflow. It's absolutely crucial that we nurture ourselves enough to keep going. At a time in life where we're constantly pushing forward, being told to 'keep going' - find the time to find what will enable you to move forward. And if you're struggling with that, reach out. Heck, I reckon there's a lot of people around you who feel the same, and if you feel like there's not, reach out to me. I've learnt the importance of giving myself a little bit of life petrol and it's made the world of difference.  Putting yourself first and being selfish are two completely different entities. Remember that.  In order to best support someone else, you owe it to yourself to be your best self, first.  So for those of you angels who might be feeling slightly overwhelmed with life at the moment, if you do at least one thing tomorrow, put a little bit of life petrol in your tank of wellness.

Thanks a million for joining me this evening. I hope you if you couldn't relate to this, you at least enjoyed the read. It honestly feels so good to be back and I can't wait to have you all back for a virtual cuppa and catch up soon. Ciao for now angels - see you on the flip side x