It's nice to be nice, or is it?

‘Dem, you’re too nice’ 

There it was again.

Sorry – what’s that all about? Since when was it considered negative to be nice?

I’ve been told I’m too nice more times than I could even give a comparison for. To say more than hot dinners would be close to accurate, especially for those who know me you’ll understand just how many extra dinners I’ve had in my time and understand the value of this statement. 

Regardless of that, I’ve been told I’m too nice enough times that I believed it, but for the negative trait it’s consistently painted to be. I’d learnt to accept the fact I was too nice and therefore weak, and I’d conditioned this to be a negative aspect of the person I am.

The most recent time, I was on Facetime with friend I’ve had since school. He’s one of those ‘take no shit, give no shit, I’m about to tell you how it is whether you like it or not’ – you know? Bit of a brutal billy but, we appreciate the honesty.

We were talking about a situation I’d recently been through and how I had been made to feel like utter shite as a consequence. He literally could not control the look of ‘I told you so’ that took over his face and proceeded to pair it with ‘DEeEeM man, you’re too fucking nice!’ 

‘Woah there sunshine, dya know something, I’m not going to have you make that a nega-‘

My five minutes of bulshy glory took over, because by this time I had well and truly had enough of being told that I’m too nice – how has this become a toxic trait? Here I am again being punished for being a nice person? 

Drop the algebra at school and teach me the rules and regulations of human interaction because apparently I’m not getting it, ‘amarite’?  

However, it was quickly interrupted. 

‘No no no, let me re phrase. It’s not a bad thing that you’re nice. You’re not too nice, you’re so nice. Do you know what it is about you? You spend too long looking for the good in someone and you always let it win. I could’ve pre-warned you that this situation would’ve gone this way, but even if you had given me that opportunity, you wouldn’t of listened anyway – stop being pleasantly surprised by common decency and start accepting what you deserve rather than teaching others why they’re a good person, because generally speaking, they’re probably not.’ 

Tell me, has someone ever had you feel like you’d taken a blow to the head just with their words? In that very moment I felt like I’d been knocked into next week. You know that overwhelming sense of realisation and also slight vulnerability that someone knew you in a way, you didn’t even know yourself for a minute. 

This statement sat with me for weeks, it still does. I say I felt as though I’d been knocked into next week but imagine next week was like an epiphany pit stop on the road of realisation. I felt personally attacked but also lighter. I felt scrutinised but I felt a sense of freedom too? How was it so easy to mistake my search for the goodness of others, for a negative reflection of my own kindness?

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I am notoriously hopeful – and it shows in every sense. I always assumed that everyone would be hopeful that someone they’re letting into their life (in any capacity) will be a good person. What I didn’t see, was the way in which I endlessly searched to find the good in others, and by stepping back, and the comment above, I realise that in order to have to search for someone’s kindness, the chances are – it’s not really there. 

It brought it to the forefront of my mind just how much I’m constantly surprised by common decency and kindness and I’ve come to expect, and unintentionally welcome disappointment. The utter lack of self-worth I had was hugely reflected in the treatment I accept from others. 

I’ve spent so much time relentlessly thinking over what my friend had said to me and how it’s opened so many doors of consciousness and awareness of my own nature. 

For so many years, I’ve been told time and time again that I’m too nice. 

Dem, just be a bitch

Dem, you’re too fucking nice

Dem, just stop it now. Stop being nice to people

Truth is, I can’t and quite frankly I don’t want to. Who strives to be a bitch? (Keep the answers to yourself with that one kids) 

Best believe me when I say I’ve laid in bed and punished myself for being the way I am more times than I’ll be able to admit. Have I been bitter? Yes. Have I whole heartedly believed that dickheads come out on top? Absolutely. 

But do you know what I’ve since realised? 

I’m okay without being on top. I’m absolutely okay with being a nice person. And heck, if others see that as a weakness then I’m okay with being considered weak too, because do you know I learnt one of the most valuable lessons about myself the day I had that Facetime. 

I do not need to stop being a nice person. I do not need to stop priding myself on being kind and spreading positivity amongst others. But what I do need to do, is stop giving this kindness so freely to those who are waiting to destroy it. 

Not being kind to every single person doesn’t decrease the value of my kindness when it is given. In fact, it protects it somewhat. 

In the wise words of our girl Reyna: 

‘Stop holding open doors for toxic people, friendships, families or relationships by calling it seeking closure or clarity. Certain things don’t work out in life, and that’s okay’

So, if you’re reading this and feel like you can absolutely relate. KEEP DOING YOU. Keep being nice, really chuffing nice. It’s a wonderful thing to be unapologetically kind and I’ve really learnt to love myself for it. 

A smile never hurts, does it?

Ciao for now angels – see you on the flip side x